In China, where I grew up, people have very different gender roles and views about their bodies than in the United States.Talking openly about things like self-identity, gender expression, or body image is not common in China. It might even be seen as inappropriate, taboo, or disruptive. Since there were so few chances to talk about self-identity in China, I never gave it much thought. I moved to the US, at a moment when people seemed to care a lot about others’ identity. Over time I realized that maybe identity is not the most important thing to me, but this cultural difference made me more curious about the topic.
I recently completed a series of self-portraits that examine both the female and male aspects of my identity. In this series, I deliberately employed lower saturation and contrast to evoke a sense of ambiguity and mystery, seeking to blur traditional gender boundaries. When my mother was pregnant with me, everyone in my family thought it’s going to be a girl, and prepared a lot of “girl’s clothes” such as dresses. And I was dressing them all the time when I was a baby. I used blurring color as a literal way of expressing a blurred identity just like how a baby looks at the world. When I dress up like a “female,” I feel how it changes people’s gaze. I respond to this by exaggerating different, often sexualized body parts to address stereotypes. Using nail polish, exposing the upper thigh, wearing a dress complicates assumptions about what kind of body a viewer is seeing.
Recent years I realized I just know too little about my mother, or I only know her as “my mother”. So I start to try to know more about her, her story, her past, her desires, and her life. I understand what she tried to persuade, what she gave up, and how strong a woman she is. And I just want to be as strong and beautiful as she is. Families in East Asia are not good at expressing their feelings and love to each other, and so do mine. She had seen my shift, and she didn’t deny any of that even though it's an unusual thing in China. She just accepted all my changes and told me she will always love me no matter what. I am captivated by the profound capacity of oil painting to communicate a rich tapestry of human emotions. Oil paint has the capacity to shapeshift. It can be used to blend and mix color as well as create stark contrast. Because of this flexibility, it is the perfect medium for exploring complex emotional landscapes that resonate deeply within me. For me, I think color in oil painting is just like an orchestra. Different instruments could bring people different feelings and emotions. Mixing and blending color allows me to get in touch with the complexity of my emotions.